When Diplomacy Fails: The Power of Speaking Up

Hello All,

This week I'm sharing some strong advice for effective action - Say What You Mean!

I'll admit it. I'm a big fan of advice columns and have been for years. It's like a mini written version of reality T.V. - where you get a glimpse of someone else's concerns and can think through possible solutions- and hear from experts, and sometimes see yourself. Well, and sometimes I get to think "WOW, am I lucky to not have that problem!" A few of my favorites are published in the national newspapers (NYT and Washington Post) including Kwame Anthony Appiah's The Ethicist, and Carolyn Hax's Perspective.

An older one of Carolyn Hax's really spoke to me earlier this week and I'm sharing it with you now. It has great advice for handling situations where tact, hints, and diplomacy haven't worked.

Try those first of course. If you are working on equity, you are bound to run up against some roadblocks. If you are not perfectly representative of the majority standard (and who is?) you are bound to run up against some dismissals or bias. If you are working towards being a good advocate you are bound to get pushback from people who are not as far along the equity journey as you are. If you are in any relationships with other people, you are bound to experience the challenges of expectations and unspoken assumptions.

So always try diplomacy first, but then if needed move on to this: Say what you mean. The topic of the column (although it's a good one!) is not the point here, it's the advice...

From the column:

" You’ve tried dropping all the polite hints about what’s bothering you, and she hasn’t shown any signs of picking any of them up, so you’re moving toward just not dealing with her at all, at the high cost of time with your brother. I must see some version of this in my mailbox at least a few times a week. I’ve done it myself. But it’s a progression that skips right over what is arguably the most effective recourse of all (without all the legal and moral kerfuffle of your dinner-knife solution): Say what you mean. Ignoring and healthy cheerleading and strategic callings-out all have their place. But, wow, there’s just nothing like: “That is none of your business.”

She ends the column with this: "You can also show compassion for yourself by setting limits on what you’ll discuss and then not flinching. When she starts in, you just walk away or change the subject as blatantly as you need to. Dysfunction gets zero oxygen from you. This is really just integrity, so applies to anything. Before you go dark, see what sunlight can do."

All the best,
Holly